Day 20 – From ugly duckling to graceful swan

There are some mornings  when it’s better do go back to bed  and re-start the day. Today it was like that: I woke up as if I had a hangover. To be more precise, I woke as if I was still drunk. I did everything I had to do – God knows how! -  before taking the children to school. As I walked pass my front  gate I had the impression that something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. A few steps later I felt my left foot kind of uncomfortable. It made me laugh , I managed somehow to put on one boot of two different pairs. I can guarantee that they were very similar. No, they were not: one had pointed front, the other was square, but they were both black.    
 I went back inside and changed.  Sometimes you just need to stop and look at what you are doing.

After I left the children in the school, I changed my top, put some make up on and, ensuring I had 2 boots from the same pair, I headed to the Library. I couldn’t help thinking and laughing of my two boots experience. Thank God no one saw me.  As I was leaving the library I stopped at the door, where I had  to press a release button located at a low level for disabled users. As I pressed the button, a voice behind me said:

            -You move just like a bunny.

Wait a minute – I thought. I’ve heard that before. When I was twenty something  there was this  guy who obviously fancied  me and kept saying that I looked like a bunny. One day I got  fed up of being called a rabbit, so I ask?

-         Why? Do I have big ears or a fluffy tail?

-         No! – he said with surprise.

-         Ok . So is it because I have big teeth? -  I asked furiously. I have to say I was a bit direct those days.

-         No – he said patiently. “It’s the way you move. You look just like a bunny.”

As I was about to throw my carrot right at his face, he quickly remind me.

-“A bunny”. “A Playboy bunny”.

- ohhhh! – I said with relief -  “ a bunny... not a bunny - as in rabbit”.

As I looked behind me,  I saw a lady, she didn’t look at all like someone  who fancied me. I’d better think of a good answer. I’m not 20 anymore, she probably is making fun of me or my teeth.

-         Pardon? – I said.

-         You move so graciously, just like a bunny. A playboy bunny. You know, You probably have heard of them?

-         Ohhh.

We  walked onto the pavement together before going our separate  ways:

-         I once had a cafe – she said - and I had this girl who waited the tables for me. I have never seen someone waiting table like her, so graciously. You reminded me of her.

-         Thank you.  

I think it was the  influence of the woman in the supermarket the other day, the right attitude, the shoulders held high...

As I crossed the road, I felt just  like a swan,  gliding through the cool water in a ballet move, to the eyes of the enchanted spectator...

Ouch! It was then that I tripped over something on the street, almost falling.

I guess today’s lesson is : Look up! But watch out for the things people throw on the floor.  And check your shoes before you leave home.

.

Day 19 - Preparing the children

I always wondered how women who have 2, 3, sometimes 4 children, manage to work full time, look  after the house, be a mother, a woman and still smile.
I don’t know how they do it and I don’t know how I’m going to do it –  let me introduce myself , I’m  Mrs. Tortoise! - and yet,  I’m up for it.

So today I had a wonderful conversation with my children, preparing them for the worse.

-How do you feel about mummy finding a job?

- Cool.

-Well, I’m looking for a job, which means that if I find it, we won't have as much time together and the two of you will have to stay in the after school club for 3, maybe 4 days per week.

-"Awesome " - one said.

- “Yes, I always wanted  it”- the other one completed. "When can we start?"

That was a short conversation!  I was so disappointed . I thought they would be devasted for not having "mummy" around all the time.

I guess the big deal is not the children, it’s going to be finding the job.

Bring it on.

Day 18

After  finally finishing my CV, I started to browse on the internet for the wonderful job I deserve.  Things have changed, salary too.  All those fancy computer program names will not scare me at all. Although I have to say, I felt like a dinosaur reading through those job descriptions.

Are the recruitment companies  gone mad or are those job descriptions wrong?  Salary and expectations don’t seem to match.

 Well, my journey is just beginning.  I’m armed with enthusiasm and my CV.

This should be enough, shouldn’t it?

Day 17

MY nephew came for lunch and  babysat for us. An  unexpected trip to the cinema absolutely made the day.  I have forgotten how nice it was to go on a date with my husband.  So we both  agreed that, at least once a month,  we will go out – just the two of us.

 It’s very important  to keep this intimacy. Otherwise marriage  becomes very boring .

Day 16 -

After a friend talked to me about Elisabeth Gilbert, the American bestseller writer (Eat, pray, love), I decided to have a look at her website. Just before I read her  website, I was thinking how after the first 15 days of my challenge gone,  I seemed to have more doubts then I had at the beginning and I was asking  why I started  this challenge and why I wanted to re-invent myself at my age.  I’m glad I read it. There is a section there where she shares her thoughts about writing, dreams  and life in general. It seemed that she was talking to me. All the things I needed to hear. Her advice inspired me and made me think that I can do whatever I decide to do and my search for that answer should be what keeps me going.

Later on, while doing the ironing, I watched “Yentl”, an old film with Barbara Streisand as a Jewish girl, whose dream is to study Talmudic law, which was only permitted to men. She dresses as a man and starts to study, when she meets Avigdor and instantly falls in love with him. When she tells him that she is actually a woman, he starts to make plans for them to stay together, but he wants her to be just a woman, a Jewish woman. He says: “you don’t need to study, I’ll do all the thinking for us”. He then asks her:  “what else can you want? And she replies: “More”.

Not surprisingly he marries another girl and Yentl moves to America to keep pursuing her dream.

So that is it. When you want more, you need to work harder, you need to fly higher and you can never stop following your dream. 

I keep looking for signs. And they always come. A good lesson learnt today.

Day 15

This morning I was in the supermarket at the checkout, paying for my goods. While I waited for my card to be approved, I gazed around the room where everybody was busily engaged with what seemed so important at the moment. Then, just as it happens in a film, everything stopped and this sexy, well dressed woman glides into the supermarket. For the staff at that busy Tesco, she could be just another regular costumer and I suppose nobody else noticed, but I did.

My gaze followed  her around as she moved so graciously from aisle to aisle. (Before you have a second thought, no, I’m not a lesbian!) . That woman caught my attention only  because she reminded me of how I used to be: confident, elegant, striking – in the words of my dear husband.

 Instantly, I had a quick look at what I was wearing. Oh boy!  I didn’t like what I saw.

Normally I try to look my best, even if I’m wearing a boring pair of trousers  and t-shirt ,  I try to embellish it  somehow,  with a scarf or a piece of jewellery, but this morning, after a disrupted night sleep, I didn’t even know how I made my way there, let alone dressing up in style.

I left the supermarket  but  I couldn’t stop thinking about what our clothes can say about us. And if it is true that our clothes represent  the way we are, I’d better start an operation rescue now . My clothes might be boring, but I want to believe that I’m not.

So who am I, after all?  

I know there are at least three women inside me. What I don’t know is how I’m going to address my emotions so each of these women can shine without over shadowing  the others.

Day 14

There is this famous columnist of a well known newspaper who is very grumpy. I don’t like her approach to life, she never has a good word to write about anything or anyone.  Funny enough I read her column every week, just to see if she would say something nice. And every week, I get angry with myself for reading it.  This week though – surprise!  She wrote about the pressure women are under. How new research tries to influence women as to when they should  breastfeed, or when is the right time to start weaning your baby, etc. I couldn’t agree more with what she said.

 Considering that research never stops, we are bombarded by impositions that only fill us with guilt and doubt. What to do after all? Go to work, not to go work,  to breastfeed or not  breastfeed , etc.

I never actually  stopped to think  about it, but  guilt is everywhere in my life. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being at work; I feel guilty when I don’t play  with the children for that half an hour  when I’m writing my blog; I feel guilty when I cook pizza for dinner – despite cooking a fresh meal everyday;  I feel guilty when I don’t go to the gym ; I even feel guilty when I don’t buy those shoes in the House of Frasier sale, the one I couldn’t afford anyway. There is an infinite list.

I can’t help thinking about the women who are at work. Do they feel guilty too for not spending time with their children?

 And can women ever win? How can we feel guilty for our own choices?

So, this morning, when I  put on my  new perfume (Guilty by Gucci) I wished  that  one day I could turn things around , and  “ guilty”   will be just  a fragrance  created by Gucci to make me smell nice.

Day 13

Day 13 - Fridge magnets

Today while I was cleaning my fridge I started to think about the messages behind the fridge magnets. Are they mere decorations or what do they say about our lives?

A long time ago someone gave me a postcard which stuck on my fridge for a while.  It said :  “Once I had a life, now I have small children.”

At that time I was enchanted by motherhood, so I thought it would read better this way: “Once I had a selfish mind. Now I have wonderful children.”

A few weeks ago I visited a friend and wherever I went in the house,  there was this message printed in A6 paper.

“KEEP CALM, CARRY ON!”

  It would be funny, if the situation wasn’t so desperate: she has 4 children.

For every occasion there is a fridge magnet. One can choose. Some are funny, some are stylish, some are over the top.  Some carry very important messages. And some are there just to hold a reminder of the things we need to do.

On my fridge it couldn’t  be different, I have  a few and they all carry  a nice message.  But the one that I really relate to has a  cartoon of a woman collapsed on a chair, one hand over her head,  looking rather desperate. It says:

“  I’m a woman. I’m invincible. I’m tired.”

And today I am... really tired...

Day 12

I should complain to the company that produced the DVD workout , the one with a famous TV presenter. They say it’s guaranteed that after a number of days you should lose weight. 

I bought that DVD more than a week ago and every day, religiously, I sit on my sofa and watch it, and watch it and watch it.  

 I have lost absolutely nothing. Not even a pound.

I wonder if they will give me my money back.

Day 11

When you think you are on the top of everything, your period comes and completely knocks you out . I don’t  remember what I have done today. But  I do know that  it has been a long day... z z z z z z z z z z z z

Day Ten -

Dialogue between husband and wife on Sunday morning.  Children still  in bed.

-          Good morning, sleeping beauty. He says
-           Morning.
-          Did you sleep well.

-        Oh yes. I had the most incredible dream.

-         Tell me.

-         I went on a date with the man of my dreams...

-         Me?

-         Jude Law.

-         ...

-         We were supposed to go to that posh restaurant he booked to surprise me but the conversation got very interesting, in the end, we decided to stay at home and... You know...just stayed there talking... you know...

-         I can’t believe that!

-         What? That we only talked?

-         No. That you are telling me that you had desire for another man. In fact that you were having  intimate moments with another man...

-         Hey, It was a dream. I wish it was for real. And it is not any man. It’s Jude Law.  I’m sorry but I can’t help it. He’s so cool, so handsome, so... sexy... And you know he is my dream of comsumption.

-         I’ve heard enough. How would you feel If  I’m having  fantasy  about another woman?

-         It was a dream.

-         Do not complain if I change you for Sienna Miller... Well, that would be a nice swap.

-         Hum... Ok , but only in your dreams. And only Sienna. Never another ordinary woman.

-         Deal. .. I had enough of your dreams for today. I’m going to make myself a cup of tea. Would you like one?

-         Yes, please. A coffee would be lovely.

And he brought me a coffee.

I bet  Jude Law would never  bring me a coffee in bed after I told him that I had an erotic dream with another man. That’s why my husband is so right for me.

But on second thoughts ,  if I had Jude Law in my bed,  would I be thinking of drinking coffee?
I better go back to sleep. I could just do with another 5 minutes of that wonderful dream... hummm...

Day Nine

 My friend  “R” rang  to ask me about a venue for a party. She wants to do birthday party to her little girl.  We talked, we discussed all pros and cons and  said “good bye”.

 After I put the phone down I started to think how  I’m always saying that I would love to help people, but I never do.  What a great opportunity to do both help somebody who needs help – my friend has a newborn baby too – and put my hands on the job, evaluating my real possibilities of working as a party organiser. So, before I thought too much about it and find an excuse not to do it, I picked up the phone and told her that I’d help. She was very pleased and that made me  feel wonderful. 

Late on, I spent an hour in front of  the computer trying to update my CV and  I still haven’t finished it.  Also, I have filled in a CRB check form to work as a volunteer in my children’s school, which gave me another great  idea: when I take the form to the school I should be taking my CV as well – if I ever finish it! 

Day Eight

Today I woke up feeling negative, thinking that I can never finish this challenge, let alone finish it successfully. So I tried some retail therapy in the morning.  It didn’t work.

In the afternoon a friend came over, that cheered me up. I love receiving people. It gives me pleasure organising the house, cooking something special to eat...   I think I would be a good hostess ... Would that be a clue? Could I do that  professionally?

Day Seven - Changing verbs : "THINK" for "DO"

I have spent a lot of time thinking of a solution to my problem.  I never realised that the thinking was actually my biggest problem.  There is no better way to know if you are capable of doing  something, other than trying  it. So I have changed my verb and consequently my attitude: from “THINK” to “ DO”. 

To start with, I’ll stop thinking of updating my CV and actually do it.   This is not going to be an easy task and  I will need a good imagination to bring it to life after such a long time,  but today is the day. Let’s do it.

3 hours later, I put my CV aside. I think I will need to phone a friend! Definitely.

Meanwhile, I made a list of my possible job or business opportunities . Then I compared it with the skills I think I have and explored all the pros and cos.  I was quite surprised with the amount of different areas on my list. Here are just a few :

1 - working  in a busy – maybe not so busy -  office. Get to know people, get up to date with technology. Learn a new thing everyday;

2 - Party organiser – I love the preparation, not sure if I can cope with the stress on my own. It would work well with a partner...;

3 - Become a representative of some description. Use my use my bilingual skills for that;

 I even contemplated to work in childcare...

All this exercise proved to me one thing:

I’m confused...

 No,  wait!  Maybe I’m not...  

Ok. Perhaps I am... just a little bit.

But let’s not forget what this challenge is all about.

Day Six

I’m back to my “clearing drawers saga”. And I have a very simple question?

If I only have one body, why do I need:

22 pairs of trousers

56 tops(15 for the  Winter; 12 for middle season and 29 Summer ones – when we don’t even have Summer!)

17 – day dresses

12 – evening dresses

6- skirts

34 pairs of shoes

And more than 20 pieces of accessories? Not to mention the uncountable pieces of jewellery .?

I’ve invited a friend over to have a look at some of my clothes. She left with a bin bag, but it made no difference to the clothes I had.  Charity shop, here I come.

Day five - Get Fit

I’ve decided that, while I am in the mood, I’m going to try -  let me rephrase that – I’ll lose some weight. I almost had a heart attack this morning when I weighed  myself: 70kg. This is more than 10 stones.  I’ve  always been 58, 59 kg, but 70kg it’s far too much.   I’ll be definitely paying a visit to the gym.   I haven’t been there for a long time.

Now I understand why my clothes don’t fit anymore. And I was blaming their qualities. Really thought they have shrunk . Silly me...

Shut my mouth. That’s what I’m supposed to do.  I might even  try a diet. 

Hum.... Perhaps not.   I could never go on a diet.  Unless they have invented one  that does not EXCLUDE bread, or cheese, or meat, or pasta, or...

I think I’ll stick to the gym. It’s impossible to concentrate on a diet when that chocolate cake is smiling at me every  time I go to the kitchen. Sometimes it even blinks  at me. How could I possibly resist it?  Because I need to.

So, today for lunch I had a salad... And a big piece of that chocolate cake for dessert.

Day four

It’s clear that I have a problem with my wardrobe. I feel that in the last 6 months I have completely lost my style. So buying clothes has become a chore not a pleasure. Some things I like but I think they  are unsuitable for me (a middle aged woman!) and the things  that should suit me, I don’t like at all.        I have to say that the winter does not help. I don’t like the cold and therefore, I don’t feel like dressing up in style. To be honest I feel like hibernating.  So I end up wearing the same old same. I feel sorry for my husband. He married a beautiful and fashionable woman and ended up with me.  

My style?  No style at all. But this is just for now. I new stylish woman is about to appear. Or re- appear in 45 days. I mean 41 days.

I’ve started clearing my wardrobe. I’m trying to be very disciplined  and leave only the things that I ‘m going to wear.  I’ve tried to do this before, but I always think that this or that top will be good with that trouser in the Spring...

-         NO! This time, everything must go.

Anyway, this job will take me forever and It is time to pick the children up, etc, etc.  Sometimes I feel like I’m running a marathon.

Day three

Sunday should be a day to relax... Really?

One of the children had a party to go, the other one had a swimming lesson. So we spent the morning up and down  transporting them to their activities. And then I had to prepare lunch. After lunch I was thinking of inviting everybody for a walk, as it was such a beautiful day,  but I was so tired I just collapsed on the sofa. Maybe next Sunday.  As I’m in organising mood I think I’ll make some change to the children’s activities. No more activities on Sunday or Saturday! Yes. I will definitely do that.

 And soon it was that time of the day again - bed time.  Getting ready for Monday morning and wondering how I’m going to fit in my personal objectives.

 I feel that I’ve just wasted two days of my challenge.

Day 2

Saturday . The week just began and already finished.

 We went to visit some friends who we haven’t seen for ages. It was nice!  It is important to keep in touch with friends, but it is more important to get out of the house. We had a lovely time but by the time we came back home, put the children to sleep, I was so tired, I had to put my master plan aside and go to bed. So today I don’t have a lot to say.

Day 1

I’m very proud of being a mum, but the term “housewife” does not agree with me at all. So I decided to do something about it, finding myself a job or opening a small business or doing something (anything) that will give me the satisfaction I’m lacking at the moment.

Looking for a job is a complicated task itself, for a full time mother and housewife like me, who hasn’t worked for eight years, it  is a huge challenge. There are some many things to consider that the majority give up before they start. The first thing is the time limitation, you have to find a job to fit your free time, from 9.30am  to 3pm, when the children are at school. Then you have to work only term time, or be prepared to give away a big chunk of your salary to pay a childminder or after school/holiday club to look after them over the holiday period. Not to mention those days when they get sick. 

Is it really worth it?

The other “gianormous”(giant + enormous) - as my daughter says- barrier is a phantom known as low self esteem. It happens to a lot of people, including me. It will follow you around everywhere. It will make you feel the last human being in the world and will make you “lose” any skill you once had.  It seems to me that 90% of women’s confidence goes away with the placenta.  And not all women manage to recover it after giving  birth. So what is the mystery behind it? Why, after having the most sublime, desirable  experience, can a woman possibly  feel low?   I’m afraid I don’t have this answer either.

So we have time limitation, low self esteem and in my case, another big obstacle , the language issue. English is not my first language.  So every time I think of applying for a job I feel insecure that my English is not good enough for that job and end up not applying at all.  How mad is that?

Last year, after my youngest child went to school  I thought I’d would change my life dramatically so I made lots of plans.  But the truth is with all this time on my hands I’m doing less now than I used to do when the children were at home.  This is  because I have no idea where to start.  And this uncertainty  is driving me mad. Have you heard of the expression  “grumpy overweight  old lady”? Well this is what I’ll become if I carry on like that,  eating to feed my anxiety and complaining about life.

Another day I was coming home from the supermarket . It was raining, it was cold and grey. I was feeling a bit down with anxiety ,  thinking about  the life I’m living at the moment, desperate to find an answer.  It was then that I looked on the side of the road and I saw a seriously disabled person, alone,  in a motorised wheelchair, going through his/hers daily routine, encountering obstructions that we do not even consider.

 I have learnt a precious lesson. There I was thinking of myself as a poor person with no opportunities and, in front of me, a person with a physical disability but without fear of living,  confronting obstacles, going for it...

I felt so ashamed... When I arrived at home I decided  that things had to change for my personal benefit.

The fact that I am  under no pressure to contribute financially to the family income, in itself creates further indecision. So I gave myself a task to be completed in 44 days - one day for each year of my life. And because my birthday falls during this time, I have added one more day to my mission.  By the end of this time, I should come with a solution to my life. I’ll have clear in my mind what my next steps will be: if finding a job, what kind of job;  if opening a small business, what kind of business; if trying a new career – getting trained ; etc, etc.   You never know I might even appreciate that  I’m actually happy being a mother and housewife. Whatever I decide to do, I should feel fulfilled and complete.

Well, now I’ve got the plan. I just need the energy to complete it ... and successfully. Wish me luck.